It’s been a long time since I’ve shared some thoughts on relationships.
But I was talking to a young 18 year old girl the other day at a cafe. For whatever reason we got into her current and previous relationships.
She told me how she dated a guy for 3 weeks before they broke up (hilarious I know, we forget what it’s like to be young). They had sex all but 1 time during their “relationship.”
She described this guy as a friend, like she was dating her best friend, but he was too jealous and that she was just not that into him.
What I told her is what I’m going to tell you. Does not matter if you’re a man or woman, these are the three things you NEED in a relationship in order to make it work for the long term. By long term I mean years not weeks 🙂
#1 – Attraction (Most Important)
My first real girlfriend happened when I was 21 and I thought she was SO ugly. To this day I still think she’s an ugly girl. Crooked jaw, dry curly hair she dies blonde. Nothing about her made me attracted to her.
100% not my type at all.
The women reading this may think I’m a complete idiot but you need to understand A LOT of young men are like this. When you’re young and don’t have options, you’ll take what you can get as a man.
Women go after the top 20% of guys so when you’re a young man who is not in this top 20% due to numerous reasons you can’t be picky.
But I digress.
The whole point I’m trying to make is that you need attraction in a relationship. It’s essential. Without attraction, a long term relationship is impossible.
As a man you’re wandering eye will continue to check out other girls. As a girl, you’ll always think you can do better and be looking to trade up.
What will end up happening is one person will cheat. Now there is nothing wrong with being attracted to other people, but the person you decide to enter into a relationship with it’s critical you be an honest man or woman.
You can’t do this without a deep sexual attraction to the person you’re with. It’s a mistake to date someone because you feel like you’re lucky to have them but…
[insert rational justification as to why you’re settling]
Maybe you ARE settling because you think you can’t do better. Maybe that is the truth. You lack the sex appeal, social skills, resources or some combination of the three to get the man or woman you desire.
I don’t have an answer as I’m a realist. Is it better to settle than to be alone? Can you simply do what a lot of the personal development gurus say and simply work hard and become the best version of yourself?
To some degree yes, but beauty is a privilege.
I’m getting off track again 🙂
Without that deep attraction you won’t be content to stop at one person.
This is why older guys like me tell younger guys to NOT prioritize women for the most part. Women are born, men must become (as the saying goes generally speaking) and as a man you need to focus on getting in shape, making money and learning how to be socially successful.
If you do that, you’ll become that attractive and dynamic man who has choice in life when you’re a bit older. As I write this I’m a 35 year old guy and I’ve had WAY more access to attractive, younger girls than I ever did in my 20’s.
It’s weird I know. When I’ve gone out with 22 year old girls they think it’s strange too in that they’re attracted to me.
I don’t say to imply that I think I’m SO good looking or anything. I’m just telling you my personal experience that as a successful 30 something who lifts weights, eats steaks and does his own thing that aspect of my life gotten more fun and easy.
I know I know, you think that as a 30 something year old guy you’re supposed to be fat, bald and old looking; but if you take care of yourself, look good, dress well it’s crazy how easy it is to get girls because you’ll be in that top 20%.
But again, it’s men must become. Do the work and become the man you can be.
Side note: To those who think 22 or whatever is “too young” I just don’t buy into it. I view that line of thinking as a shame tactic used to control men who won’t serve a feminine primary sexual strategy (that is for them to have their fun when they’re in their 20’s and to then find a good man to settle down with in their 30’s if they are still single).
I “should” marry some out of shape 33 year old white girl from Connecticut who has short brown hair (that they dye blonde) and maybe has a kid. Live for the weekends, go to Walmart and plan that summer trip to the beach while living a life of quite desperation.
No thanks. I’m off the plantation and I ain’t go’in back! 🙂
Side side note: I do think it’s weird when older guys try to “fit in” with a younger crowd. I’ve seen that in Thailand at hotel pool parties in Bangkok. It’s always some bloated and bald 40 year old English guy trying to adopt the language and style of a younger generation.
2 – Trust
Well not much to say here. You must have trust in a relationship and if trust is broken for whatever reason, the relationship is over.
Any sort of betrayal or behavior outside of what is expected in a relationship will just lead to that relationships demise. Adding guys you meet at the bar or club because they’re just “friends” is BS.
Having Tinder or OkCupid while you have a girlfriend is a form of cheating and it’s a shit thing to do.
Honestly this stuff is so basic it’s funny I have to even write it. Strive to do your best in a relationship and NEVER put up with bad behavior from the person you’re with.
I once dated a Thai girl and on her phone I saw a message notification pop up from some Italian guy asking where she wanted to meet for dinner.
I ended up throwing her shit out of my apartment that day in Ratchaburi Thailand and told her to catch the next van back to Bangkok.
Oh he’s “just a friend” girls will always say. Then they will try some sort of shame tactic and bring up something random from a year ago if you get angry at them.
Women like to date a guy and then keep other guys on the back burner. I get it and I don’t care. If your in a relationship with me it’s not acceptable for you to see other men I’ve not meet.
As my father once said to me – if someone can’t treat you the way you need to be treated to hell with them.
My dad is not the most eloquent, but I like the underlying idea. People are either useful or an impediment.
Back to the stupid Thai girl I dated. Let’s just pretend for a moment if I could do that?
Could I go our with random cute girls I meet while having a girlfriend and have it be OK?
This double standard of behavior got so annoying and it’s something too many women do in general. They never take responsibility for their actions. It’s always the guys fault in some way.
Thai women too are particularly bad about this. I can’t tell you how many Thai women I’ve slept with who I later found out had a boyfriend. Thai women are beautiful and they know how to treat a man but don’t expect them to be loyal.
Same with Thai men too though. It’s actually a weird cultural thing where it’s normal to have a boyfriend or girlfriend then someone else on the side (known as a geek – yes geek).
In summary, have high standards for yourself and the person you’re with. But don’t be a hypocrite. If you’re a shit guy doing bad things, like cheating on your girlfriend – don’t expect to get that quality girl.
To attract the best, you have to be the best and that goes for both men and women.
3 – Compatibility
Last is a catch all for compatibility and behavior. You need to enjoy spending time together. Talking with each other and doing things together.
You have to have enough shared interests but also enough differences to keep things interesting.
You have to both be constantly growing, fighting a bit over the details and making each other better.
With my ex Thai girlfriend who I just threw under the proverbial bus, we had attraction and compatibility but not trust. With compatibility we always had a TON of fun going out together.
We both liked to travel, drive motorcycles, go to clubs and bars and just always go out and do fun stuff together.
Some of my best memories of my time in Thailand were with her and the adventurous stuff we did together and I’ll always think fondly of this despite the juvinile drama she brought into my life.
Compatibility is essential.
If you’re finding it a chore to call your girlfriend or boyfriend to talk, if you get annoyed with them while spending time together and you simply lack key interests – your relationship is just going to have problems over time.
A lack of compatibility really rears its ugly head once your relationship gets past that initial exciting stage and you’re in the process of forming a long term bond.
I know a lot of people like to refer to their partner as their “best friend” and I think that’s a mistake. I’ve never viewed a girl I’m dating as a “friend.”
They hold a special relationship that is different from a friend. This is important to remember because we tend to expect things from the opposite sex that can sometimes be unrealistic.
For example, my brother wife is a lawyer. But she could NEVER watch a documentary on say, the history of Chocolate like me and my brother could. She would find it boring. Most women are like this, they lack that sort of male curiosity generally. She’s a lawyer however, she is no dummy.
I’m just trying (and probably failing haha) to point out a difference with behaviors and interests in men and women. Like most guys simply hate shopping. Our goal is to go for something specific, get it and leave. But women like to “shop” in a way men just don’t get.
Don’t expect things from a man or a woman that you get from your male or female friends. But do strive to have common passions and interests.
Three Essentials For a Romantic Relationship – Conclusion
So those are just my thoughts. I would LOVE for you to add your own in the comments below. Comments are held for moderation and anything rude, shamming or stupid will be joyfully deleted.
Yes I’m not the most politically correct, but I hope you enjoy this. Have a great day!