Everyone feels lonely at times, but not everyone suffers from a chronic feeling of loneliness…
of feeling disconnected and cut off from other people. This type of loneliness is a loneliness from the best parts of you that no longer have any basic fundamental contact with life experience. You are lonely because you are alienated from life,
Dead end streets
Think of how you drive a car. You recognize potential dangers, potential time sucks, and potential problems as you drive so corrective action can be taken. Expand this to the body and how it responds to pain.
- That cut needs to hurt- otherwise you will ignore it.
- That loneliness needs to hurt – otherwise you will ignore it.
- A pattern has emerged…have you been paying attention?
“Lonely” is designed to help you achieve fulfillment and success as a human being faster and more efficiently by forcing you to address that disconnect from your best self. If life was without friction, pain and difficulty, none of us would be pushed to to grow. We would ignore that cut.
Cut off from yourself
The fix is not simply other people. You can be in a city or college or place with thousands of other people around you and still feel lonely.
It’s not a lack of friends that is ever the problem, it’s being cut off from yourself.
The lonely person is alienated from himself. They do not know what brings them joy and happiness. They are lost. This makes personal contact with others unsatisfying – starting a cycle of social reclusiveness that can be difficult to break.
Going to work, coming home, going to work, coming home. Not doing anything and feeling bad about your boring lonely life. You think that you should go out by yourself, that you should socialize or try to meet other people online or whatever the hell you’re supposed to do – but it leaves you wanting and missing the better days in the past. So you don’t.
The tragedy here is that is that personal contact may feel unsatisfying, but it is the best way to finding yourself –
by that I mean to losing yourself in social activities where a person begins to take a genuine interest in other people while at the same time casting aside the shame and false pretenses that we all walk around with and show to strangers.
Socializing and finding our “thing” helps us thaw out – we become our real selves around other people. We feel that connection and commonality with someone else. We stop being lonely. We finally feel we belong somewhere.
Are you afraid of other people?
What an odd question that might seem – how can you be afraid of other people…
Loneliness is also a form of self protection, a protection of who we think ourselves to be. Being lonely happens when communication and emotional ties are cut down to a minimum. This protects your idealized self, that “best” vision of you that you have in your head from:
- Hurt (hint – you’re going to get hurt anyways)
- and disappointment.
Ironic the cost of self protection from pain is pain. This happens because the lonely person is afraid of other people.
When I say “afraid” I don’t mean that the person is a coward. It’s the person who complains about not having enough friends and then orchestrates everything in his life to consciously or inadvertently make it so other people have to make the first move.
His passivity does not contribute value or enjoyment to the lives of others – why would anyone include him?
It never occurs to this lonely person that he has a fear of other people, a fear that prevents him from going into social situations with confidence by contributing something to the social situation. Instead his passivity makes him ignored, over looked, and alone.
Persist and conquer
Forcing yourself into social situations is awkward and uncomfortable particularly if you’re naturally a shy or introverted person. But much like those first few minutes after jumping into a pool, you quickly adapt and warm up and begin enjoying yourself. Nothing happens without your decisions.
Passivity, shyness, and indirectness are useless traits that must be abandoned. They result in you hoping and waiting for life to carry you somewhere interesting when really all that happens is life that marches forward while you stand still, waiting.
Social skills 101
Instead, add to the happiness of others by developing your various skills. Learn to contribute and add value to the lives of those around you. It’s the only way. No one wants to be around someone who only takes.
Do this habitually over time and you will discover people to be welcoming, friendly, and accepting of who you really are. Shyness and timidness will be thrown out for the useless traits they are. You will form deeper connections with other people. You will reconnect with yourself better and the loneliness will subside. The acceptance from others will enable you to accept yourself.
Loneliness is simply resistance to other people.